Visual Dare #32: Disobey (For more of this weeks Visual Dare check the link)
Marvin trudged through the snow, determined to get home a survivor
of war, when many others perished. They
told him it was the harshest winter the kingdom had seen and he should wait
until the snows cleared.
He saw the horse coming through the storm, rushed forward with the adrenaline of battle still alive.
With sword drawn, he heard her giggle even over the howling wind. His sweet sister’s disobedient smile shined
like the sun. He glanced back to the
tree were he had bedded through the night to see his own cold eyes staring back.
I had to read this three times to figure out what happened. I think.
ReplyDeleteStill, I'm not really sure what's going on here.
He's already dead, right? Live adrenaline notwithstanding.
Cheers!
JzB
Yeah, meant for him to be dead. :/ Eh, I fail this week...tried to get to much in the 100 words. lol
DeleteI've got 120 words for mine but refuse to cut any, will post it later. Would love to see what this story is like with a few more words for clarification.
DeleteHis sister giggling over the sound of the howling wind is a lovely image - can a sound be an image?
Not a fail - just a work in progress ;-)
Heartbreaking and I got it straight away! Beautifully written Steven, and so sad he didn't make it! Not a fail in any way.
ReplyDeleteI saw him trudging on, then bedding down in the snow. He didn't make it through the night but didn't know that until his spirit saw his sister and he realised... so sad.
Thank you Lisa!! :)
DeleteThe ending made me pause - a sort of "He's not dead...is he? He is! O MY." Very much in a good way.
ReplyDeleteIt also brought to mind Jack London's tale "To Build a Fire" --- that ending, especially. (That's a compliment, too, FYI - one of my favorite short stories.)
In that context, it makes me wonder if the little sister herself is deceased - a long time ago? I envision her as a spirit from his past, come to usher him out of this world into the next.
A lot stuffed into 100 words, like you said, but it works beautifully. Well done!!
There was a line in my first draft that he was on his way home, because he couldn't wait to see his little sister and it was why he was risking to face the storm :(
DeleteSo yeah, both pass during the storm and she is there to greet him. thank you
Steven, so glad to see you participating in this visual dare! I was touched by his kind thoughts toward his sister and the idea she would be the one to guide him to heaven. Lovely :)
ReplyDeleteA heartbreaking story, and I have to admit I had to read through the comments to understand. And I assume the little sister is dead too. I am not sure more words would have the story better... I loved it.
ReplyDeleteOkay, i thought it was a fail..... but it's gotten more comments than some of my past. thank you for all the comments. And all the love.
ReplyDelete