Mid-Week Blues Buster Week 12

(I know I've used this picture before, no idea where I found it....probably goggle   Anyways, click it to check out all the other entries in this weeks Mid Week Blues Buster).

Understanding

I never understood…

I never understood much when it came to people.  I always spent more time avoiding them than trying to assimilate.  I felt like it was meant for me to be alone, to be invisible.  I thought that was what I wanted.  Introspective people liked to call me.  Behind my back I had no doubt they either called me antisocial…emo…a snob or any other judgmental phrase they wanted to.  It was all about labels. 

In the end people scared me.  I always felt like they were judging me.  Looking at me with their deceptive eyes, lying saying they cared or were interested in me.  So no one was more shocked and surprised than me when I found myself falling in love.  She wasn’t the first woman to pay attention to me.  She was the first that didn’t put up with my bull and broke through every wall I put in her way.  I regret that now, I put up a lot of walls for her.  She was just different and I knew it from the moment I looked into her eyes.  The moment I talked to her on the phone the first time, there was a connection there that was indescribable.  Almost magnetic. 

I wanted to run.  I have never been so scared in my life.  Truly terrified and I think she knew it.  There were times, lapses; I think she was just being nice.  The strange guy who used to tell her she was beautiful, called her princess, or tried to surprise her by being romantic even though I had no clue how.  I would do anything to make her smile.  It warmed my heart and for a moment it gave me a purpose in life.  I never had it before, a friend who I trusted and thought was always going to be there.  No matter how big of a screw up I was.  She was always going to be there.

I’d known for two months before I said those words to her, words I had never said to any other woman in my life and knew I meant it.  I didn’t want to hear it back.  I never said it to hear it back.  For the first time I wanted someone to know how I truly felt about them.  She did say it back, there was hesitation and I think my heart stopped in that time but she did.

“Do you remember?” 

“Yes,” I smile.  I was listening to her but she is giving me that look because she thinks I was off in my own little world.  I guess in part I was…I sit here listening to her talk about him and I’m thinking about us.  She doesn’t look into my eyes like she once did and every time it seems our eyes meet for just a moment too long she looks away.  Down to the shiny new ring on her left hand and smiles.  It’s a different smile than I think she ever gave me.  I smile for her.  I can’t help it.  Her smile always made me smile, even though I know it’s not meant for me.  I know I will never touch her again.  I know I will never kiss her lips again.  Or say I love you and mean it the way I want to say it.  I smile because the one person I love most in this world is happy.